After Another ER Visit, My Mom Said Something That Changed Everything

After another ER visit, my mom looked at me and said,
“Well, I guess I won’t be seeing Nana and Grandpa today.”

They’d been gone for years.
But in her mind, they were waiting.

In that moment, I had a choice:
correct her and bring her back to pain,
or let both of us breathe for a moment.

So I said, “Not today. But when you do, I’ll be happy for you and sad for me.”

She looked at me with total clarity and said, “Thank you.”

That’s when everything clicked.

I wanted her to find peace,
and I dreaded losing her.
I felt relief when hard days ended,
and guilt for feeling relief.
I loved her deeply,
and I was exhausted.

She was still here
and everything was already changing.

People told me, “You’re handling it so well.”
But I wasn’t.
I was surviving.
Performing strength.
Smiling through heartbreak.

That’s anticipatory grief.
And it’s impossible to hold alone.

When I was caregiving, I searched for something that gave me permission to feel all of it — the exhaustion, the anger, the guilt, the relief, the love.

I couldn’t find anything.

So I created it.

This is the journal I needed when no one was asking how I was doing.

It’s for the daughter googling “is it normal to want it to be over?”
It’s for the son who loves his dad and dreads the phone ringing.
It’s for anyone living in the impossible in-between.

You don’t have to carry this alone anymore.

This journal was created for moments exactly like this.

You have 7 days to try the journal risk-free. If it doesn't resonate with you, email [email protected] for a full refund. No questions asked. Your trust matters more than a sale.

This is a private, self-paced journal — just between you and your truth.

✓ 56 Permission-Giving Prompts

Write the things you can’t say out loud.
Feel the “wrong” feelings without judgment.
A safe space to explore what’s real — without apology.

✓ 7 Days of Guided Journaling

Morning and evening prompts that meet you exactly where you are.
No performance. No pressure.
Just honest reflection in a season that demands so much.

✓ The REAL Method

A gentle path through anticipatory grief:
Recognize. Embrace. Align. Live.
A simple framework to help you stay connected to yourself while everything is changing.

✓ Space for Your Truth

Room to write messy, cry, rage, whisper, pause, or breathe.
You get to decide what this looks like — and what you need.

✓ Bonus: 5 Permissions for Anticipatory Grief

A printable set of gentle reminders for the hardest moments.
Keep it nearby for the days when guilt or silence shows up.

✓ Journal Meets You Where You Are

No timelines. No rules.
Just space, support, and honesty — at your own pace.

Hi, I'm Heidi.

I’ve lived through anticipatory grief in many forms — aging parents, shifting relationships, and even the quiet losses we don’t always talk about.

I created The REAL Journal to hold what most people never acknowledge:
the quiet pain of showing up every day while slowly letting go.

This isn’t therapy.
It’s peer-based support — a place to be real about what’s hard, without needing to explain or apologize.

The REAL Method — Recognize, Embrace, Align, Live — emerged from my lived experience and from witnessing how many of us are grieving in silence.

This journal is one of the few places where you’re allowed to be honest about that.

A Glimpse Inside: The Questions Nobody Ever Asks You

Day 1, Morning:
"Complete this sentence honestly: 'I am grieving...'"
Day 2, Morning:
"The feeling I'm most ashamed of right now is:"
Day 3, Evening:
"I love them AND I..."
Day 4, Evening:
"If I could choose for them (not for me), I would:"
Day 6, Morning:
"What I can't say to anyone else is..."
Day 7, Morning:
"After they're gone, I'm afraid I'll:"

These aren't journal prompts that ask you to "find the silver lining" or "practice gratitude."

They're the questions that keep you up at night. The ones you can't ask out loud. The truth you've been carrying alone.

This journal asks them for you.